Saturday, October 25, 2008

generic title #1

So I've been away from this blog for awhile, but for some reason I'm drawn back to it after a long time. I read it every once in awhile, the realization that blogging is largely masturbatory is important. Fuck i've been writing too formally recently, I wanted to start a sentence, but I don't wanna start the sentence with I, even though I didn't capitalize the I in "i'm" back there. I haven't written a blog in awhile, I had deceived myself in to thinking I was somewhat anonymous on this site, but that is largely not true. I thought it would help if I created random blogs post a couple things and forget about it, this would make me truly anonymous meaning I could speak however the fuck I wanted, could express my deepest emotions and sentiments...Didn't really work...largely masturbatory. So with that in mind I like coming back here to read the bullshit I believed a long time ago. This is evidence of both my recalcitrance and my willingness to keep an open mind for the sake of learning. How it can evidence two contradictory aspects of myself?
I read it seeing how fucking self-righteous I was, and this is not historical. This aspect of the writing maybe is who I am, I can be nice to myself and call it passionate or rejection of nihilistic aspects of post-modernism. It is only evidence that I'm a stubborn arrogant asshat. This evidences my stubbornness.
I also read the posts and see the things that I thought I knew and today I...know better. Things I believed that are incorrect, but it would be wrong to go back and edit them, they're not fucking eternal permutations of one message they're a snapshot of what one asshole thought at that time.

I got my password back, emailed google or something and logged in and here I am, I had something I was going to write about...was profound...probably won't come back to me. Ok so it came back to me, but its not really profound, but in the spirit of being a stubborn arrogant asshat i'm not going to delete the above.
I found this killer search tool :

Its great for finding free e-books. If its pirating its pirating, but I don't have the money to buy 'em and the library never has the shit I want to read. Anything that is in your library can for the most part be found on: (an Australian non-profit that legally puts e-txts on line) and
At my job I'm in front of a computer and one never knows if that day will be filled with endless downtime watching the seconds tick or non-stop action standing all day so I generally look for shit to read, because online games do get boring (but still fun
Ok so to get back to the point, I found this cool video:

Its the Tool song Lateralus and the narrator has some theories about the song. So my roommate and I passed a little time reading about "synchronicity" which is supposedly a word that Jung invented. Tool allegedly make a lot of their music with themes from Jung. So we both talked about the synchronicity we would enjoy in college which was watching the movie "Legend" and putting the Aenima album by Tool on pressing play right when the title of the movie appears in the opening credits. Tool's music is very open to synchronizing with stuff youtube has two videos of different fantasia's synching with the same song. But the thing is we heard about this years ago and assumed that many other people have heard of it. The "darkside of Oz" is well known, and is pretty cool, but not as good as Tool's music with a visually exotic Ridley Scott film. Apparently though nobody has ever heard of it as a long perusal of numerous google links, wikipedia entries, and even a site dedicated to these things(to the extent people have elaborate instructions on cd changer timing for multi-disc changing and complex instructions for random combinations of songs[even from separate albums/artists]and movies). So whatever, interesting stuff I like the archetypes, I always think of that Philip K Dick short story "beyond lies the wub" where the wub reads the guys mind and says something like "we have something similar to your Odysseus in our mythology" good shit, but I don't really but it. I still find the theory very interesting and want to explore it further.

THIS is why I wrote this: I have this desire to learn, I don't know if it is a mental instability, some fucking chip on my shoulder, part of my arrogance, genetic, or whatever, but I want to know more things. I want to read like crazy all different things, not finishing lots of them, but Reading shit tons of random stuff. This always makes me think of the Self Taught Man in "Nausea" (who turns out to be a pedophile). This character had a mission to read through all the books at the library, starting at A and going to Z (apparently this is before the dewey decimal system[i made a blog joke]). He talks about this person's purpose his essence, which was reading these books, but what the fuck would he do when he finished, what would he be without this purpose? Could be my human instinct that piece of our brain that makes us fucking regress to cavemen seeking for meaning through purpose, some divine thing to believe in. I mostly think that anyone who tells me I'm chosen, or have the opportunity for heaven or immortality, or that I have a piece of divinity in me just wants my money to sell me false hope. Life has no significant meaning, it is a mandala(which I found out is another fucking Jungian theme[holy shit synchronicity!]). Its nice to write informally again, but anyway I've been going to school spending all my money trying to get another piece of paper, there are various reasons and I won't go in to them here, but I think this is good that I'm spending all my money apart from rent/food/bus/bills on school. Its nice to be in class learning and being given deadlines, that is the key for me, fuck what the teacher tells me is truth I never kiss their ass, I don't got confrontational but I say what I know and back it up with reasoning/evidence. Ivan Illich was dead on in many of his critiques on schooling, but the deadlines make me finish something which is good.

So all my downtime is dedicated to reading shit for class, for example "UN Human Development Reports" holy shit I've had to read a lot of these, and the semester is only like halfway in. I suppose this is the extreme, lots of the other readings are interesting, but these reports are shit
So I want to read about Jung, because thats what I stumbled upon and I'm always trying to read more about Foucault and this PDf searching thing just returned like 100 fucking things and I want to read all of them!

Through participation in formal schooling, my self-education has been retarded, mainly due to the fact that time is zero sum game.

oh the urge to delete it all and close the box! haha, crave the anxiety of being open it seems.
Thats it, just downloaded Existenz gonna go check it out, never seen it before heard it was really loosely based on "Ubik" later.